Oh My Heart

{Story time first}

When I was probably 3-4ish years old, there was a horrible storm that came through with hail & a tornado.

Because that’s the story of South Arkansas when a storm comes in the Spring. Just go ahead and get your ruby slippers ready…

{So}

My mom put us in the bathroom because it was bad enough to take shelter, and she asked if we wanted to pray because we were scared.

Keep in mind, we’re Baptist.

We pray to God , sit on the back row, and dance in the backyard.

{Total joke}

We sometimes get jiggy with it on the front porch.

So she asked if we wanted to pray.

Yes, sure Stayce.

So I did.

And I stated I wanted to pray to Mary because she was a girl and boys are gross.

Palm to face probably for Stayce…

I mean kids are so honest and just oh to have the faith of a child again…

{end story time}

Now the real story… and questions…

When you’re little, you say the verse a hundred times mindlessly and almost without thinking about it.

Then you eventually teach it to your babies or say it with them, still not even thinking about the words.

“For God so loved the world He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.”

John 3:16

Then you take your 4 year old and almost 9 month old to the Easter program at church.

Your 4 year old is old enough and smart enough to understand the graphics played on the screen as the choir sings.

For example, she knew Jesus was hung on the cross and went to Heaven and came back then went back to Heaven “to be with his Dad.” She knows God is His father so her mind calls him His Dad.

That’s the logic of a 4 year old.

{continuing}

And the choir program goes from The Beginning to Jesus appearing to the disciples after he was crucified.

Stories we all know, have heard a thousand times, but then when you see them while holding your children and as Mary holds Jesus– it’s like someone reaches in and twists a knife in your stomach.

Or it did me.

Or I imagine that’s how a knife to the gut would feel because the tears rose in my throat and the thoughts crossed my mind.

“God gave his son to Mary to carry and she had a baby knowing his fate that would save the world, God knew he would die a painful death, and she did it anyways because God told her to.”

{so many thoughts}

I am a very simple minded and usually literal person, so I can’t begin to wrap my mind around it even though I know I’m not supposed to be able to because that would completely defeat the purpose.

{literally mind blown with the questions about Mary}

So…

My momma heart breaks thinking about it. It just does. It’s probably wrong of me to think and feel that, but my mind doesn’t wrap around it and isn’t supposed to. I’m not supposed to fully understand God’s doings and His will.

She had to be so purposely chosen for this because she could withstand and have the strength needed for such a task and oh the faith she had…

To let God’s son save humankind.

Literally looked down at my sleeping baby during the program and thought about if I could purposefully give birth to my children to save other people. Could I give up my child for other people? For Criminals? For sinners? For adulterers? For liars? For thieves & murderers? Could I let my child go through with that sort of fate for the souls of others? Could I even let my children take punishment for something someone else did wrong when they were innocent…and I stay silent?

{Absolutely not because I am selfish and a sinner myself and I am human}

“And Mary pondered these things in her heart…”

That piece has always puzzled me.

What did she ponder?

Did she ponder these same things as a young girl who had just had a beautiful baby boy?

Did she ponder how she was going to protect him until it came time?

I know I’ll never have those answers, but as a mother… to think that Mary was so obedient to let and watch her child take the burdens of others on His shoulders when He was innocent will always hang heavy on my heart when I see the Nativity & the Easter Story portrayed .

Because I’ll always and forever wonder what Mary pondered in her heart.

Maybe I’ll get to ask one day, but that’ll probably be the last thing on my mind walking into the pearly gates.

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