If Your Baby Has the Flu {pt. 2}

If your baby has the flu, then you will need to stay home and make sure to take care of her.

{disclaimer: the comedy version}

If you stay home with said baby, then you will need to make sure you are prepared to watch all 8 seasons of “My Little Pony.”

If you watch “My Little Pony,” then you will need to be sure you pay attention to who is who and what their cutie marks are because there will be a quiz over each and a final exam.

#rarityneedstogetoffherhighhorse #pinkiepieneedsmedication #fluttershyneedsxanax #thenewponiesneedawhoopin

If you finish all 8 seasons of “My Little Pony,” then you will need to have the ability to recap any episodes Princess Pi missed when sleeping…

If you are unable to recap said missed episodes, you will have to figure out where she fell asleep and restart…

If you think said child has fallen asleep so you can go in the kitchen for a drink or food or go to the restroom yourself, then you are wrong. Just wrong— her eyes were closed and her spidey-flu senses told her you had gotten out of your spot for 2 seconds and she will scream. Be prepared to be screamed at because by gosh you are NOT allowed to eat.
“NO MOMMY DON’T EAT.” Literally what I was told today… it was followed by a “Mommy has to eat or I can’t come sit by you…” yea I went there.

If by staying in to take care of said child causes you to not be able to go outside to get your run in for the day, then you do your c25k workout…in your house. You put your old {see later statement because *cough* FedEx…} running shoes on with your pajamas and start that app up to get your 31 minutes done and get your mileage for the week closer to your goal. At this point you’re on Week 5, Day 1, so you are doing longer jogs… so therefore it’s as if the game of Jumanji has commenced in your home between the 5 year old yelling for water, dogs barking at you, and your steps sounding as if a variety of large exotic animals have been released into your kitchen in a stampede as you run laps around the couch to loop around the kitchen island, and into the bedroom to lay eyes and let said 5 year old see you’re still there and tell her how many minutes are left. You also take that time to see what episode of “My Little Pony” is on just in case you have to back track to it in case she has indeed closed her eyes for the moment.

If you are home throughout the day, then you’ll have your “momma ears” on.. that means you’ll be listening for every wheeze, sneeze, snot, cough, groan, moan, cry, or whimper you child makes… and you’ll be listening for the UPS, USPS, and FedEx trucks for your Amazon packages & new running shoes….

If you’re listening for your packages to arrive, then you’ll have text alerts on for back-up to know when they’re delivered so you can run to the porch to get them because by gosh you would kill to have that comfy waffle knit, v-neck, lightweight sweater to wear in the house because you are always cold…

{Exhibit A: {link to said super soft, lightweight, TRUE TO SIZE PRAISE JESUS, waffle knit sweater…. https://amzn.to/3aTkCUa }

If you have your sweater delivered, then you will also have your Amazon Subscribe & Save order delivered at the same time in the oversized box that you have to wrangle and open up outside because it’s heavier than you thought to get through the door.

If you get those packages, then you are patiently waiting for the text to say that your long-awaited running shoes have arrived so you can break them in during your indoor running adventure…because everyone knows that when they say shoes are “all-terrain” that includes carpet and laminate floors.

If you get those packages, then you send your husband to get your highly anticipated faux {#fancywordforfakeasallgetout} airpods from the spot they were delivered to that cost you 1/4 {if that} of the normal price, work just as well, came with a fab warranty, and look pretty much like the real thing, bluetooth earbuds so you can quit playing tug-of-war with your regular headphones and ripping them out of your ears on accident when you try to be all into running and such…

{Exhibit B: the faux airpods… https://amzn.to/2u1uivo }

If you get the highly-anticipated headphones, then you’ll be on stand-by to throw on your husband’s shoes to run out on the porch to get your new shoes soon as you either hear the delivery truck or hear the *ding of your phone that they have been delivered…

If you get the *ding that said shoes have been delivered… then you will throw on your husband’s shoes to run out on to the porch to see ultimately… they were not delivered to your house…

If they were not delivered to your house, then your sweet precious husband goes on the hunt to his parents’ house and his grandmother’s house to see if they were delivered there…and they weren’t…

If they weren’t delivered there, then you call the FedEx customer service people… and talk to Maria who can’t understand why you got a delivered text if they weren’t delivered…

Well Maria that’s what I’m trying to figure out…

So, if you stay home when your baby has the flu…

then be prepared for the unpredictable, unplanned, and eventfulness of the day between administering medicines, snuggles, sanitizing, laundry, and snuggling some more.

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